Sunday, August 30, 2009 @11:56 AM
There are those days where even with the most extreme exercise of willpower will do nothing to drag you beyond your room. Well, these days are becoming more and more common. I question if its merely psychological, a physiological manifestation of something psychologically wrong with me. I begin to realize that Im probably not the best person to be evaluating my own mental health. What I do know that does not beg a question, is that I am not going to work today, period.
The pillow under my head is soft and the beeping mobile which cruelly dragged me from my slumber is silenced. I was having the most illustrious of dreams, soaring, eating ice cream and running through open fields of colourful flowers. Tonight was the same but different, the dreams are similiar, so are the nightmares, but today you were not there. Should I be relieved? Perhaps, perhaps my heart has begun to heal.
I should be out of my bed, making coffee, getting dressed for work. It isn't even bright yet. The only light that shone in my room came from the crack beneath my door, daddy was getting ready for work too. Usually, I would find this part of the day the most difficult, to wake to a meaningless, thankless but well paying job. Today I found it impossible. I sniffled as I felt my own forehead. Burning. That explains my fuzzy thoughts and dreams. I opened my mouth to call for Father.
The first attempt produced a whimper as I grimaced from the pain. I must be down with a flu. My stupid colleagues should know better coming to work with something so contagious. I tried again, this time louder and in response, a comforting knock on my door before it creaked open. The warm lights from the hall seeped into the darkness of my room, producing my father as a comforting silhouette standing firmly like a sentinel at my door. I open my mouth to speak again, imploring him to call the office on my behalf before snuggling back comfortably under my quilt. I shut my eyes trying to return to sleep again, attempting to avoid the awkwardness. Daddy lingered for a moment and finally left. I heard him sigh as he closed the door behind him, leaving me again in the darkness.
Oddly today, I feel a certain disconnect with my physical being, a feeling that my spirit exceeds the bounds of mortal flesh, trapped by the inadequacies of physicality. Ill as I may feel, I feel the torment of frustration more than the dread my flu has brought me.
I hugged Bear Bear a little harder as I try to will myself well again.