I hate you; hate you for so completely stealing my heart. Are all men like you? Relishing only in the chase, but for you, you are different but not completely different, you too are normal, mortal, earthly. At least it comforts me that you care enough to no longer lead me on. Or could it be that I never did mean a thing to you? Did I frighten you away with what I had to give? Did you fall in love with someone else? Someone more normal? I can be normal too, I can learn to speak the language of your friends, I can even give up my love of literature. Perhaps you do love me, knowing that all these make me who I am. You love me enough to not let me love you this much. Fiction. I sensed the other side of you, your deepest desire, you wanted what I could not give. Perhaps it is really my fault; perhaps it is I who never trusted you enough to grant you the Sky, mind, body and soul. Perhaps I am too proud, Sky is just a name, I am just a girl, a silly silly girl.
Today Ill be like the others, the myriad of common faces moving together in revelry, wasting their youth away in decadence and pleasure. I bought this dress, something that you would never have me wear, because you hated when other men look at me. But I am no longer yours. Perhaps I am spiteful, perhaps I thought too highly of myself. Whatever it is, this night is mine. Standing before my mirror, I saw myself in this tiny little black dress, deliberately eye-catching, its fitting accentuating my figure, lowly cut in places to reveal a little of what men always obsessed about. I even bought a make up kit from MAC. You always love me with little make up, you said I was a natural beauty, tonight I realize I could be much more, lipsticks, foundation, mascara, eyeliner and all. I was more than beautiful, I was sexy. I spritzed on the scent you bought me some months ago, Flower by Kenzo, tonight I looked every bit like that other popular girls that scorned me in school, perhaps even better. I tossed my salon curled hair behind my shoulder, letting it fall sensually upon my bare back, if only you saw me like this tonight, perhaps even you would be mine. But it was too late. I know now that I was not meant for you. You too were hypocritical; I too was merely just a conquest you could not bear to complete.
The taxi arrived below my block, several leering neighbors smiled at me for the first time, surprised perhaps today I was not my usual haphazard self, without the goofy glasses, without the crummy pajamas and college t-shirts. From the light and safety of home, I found myself at the entrance of Zouk, a heterotopia of pleasure and lust. The unpleasant rhythm of club music meant to raise adrenaline and heart rate, meant to simulate elevated states of consciousness emanate from this place I never dreamt of stepping into. I was alone, and it was all your fault.
I smiled and tried to forget you, playing the role of the slut as I smiled at every attractive guy as I slipped uncomfortably into the club, performing a facade of confidence and familiarity. The cold aircon chilled my skin as I find myself navigating through a sea of bodies, moving together as one, oblivious to an interloper who has invaded this unfamiliar realm. I eventually find myself seated at the bar, flashing daddy's credit car, ordering myself a jug of long island tea, a drink you said you liked when you clubbed here. It was not long before other men begin crowding where I was seated, starting cheesy conversations, attempting to work their clichéd pick up lines. I laughed inwardly, I am desirable. But when I was with you, I could never feel this way, I always thought I was never good enough. Time flew by and I found myself conversing with numerous individuals I would never otherwise associate with under normal circumstances. The heady mix of alcohol begun to lift what remaining inhibitions that I had and the music begun to consume me. The chatter begun to fade into a hum as I find myself gently tearing, not fully noticing it as I find myself in an embrace with a beautiful stranger. He held me close, I must have looked really silly, sobbing gently into his expensive white cotton shirt. I let my fingers linger around the nape of his hair, closing my eyes, pretending that he was you. His strong arms bore my weight and he whispered into my ear asking if I was alright. I stood myself up and looked into his deep gentle brown eyes, conflicted, but needing ever so desperately the loving human touch of an other. Like a gentleman her offered me his hand as I let him lead me past a throng of inebriated individuals to the dance floor. The world spun as I let the music move my body. Desire grew and I displaced all I wanted in you onto him. We moved together as the heady House music guided our courtship, not the sort of courtship I would ever partake in. I could feel the heat of his body close to mine as I find myself moving in tune to him, letting the warmth of his fingertips linger over my shoulders. Was this what you wanted? I found myself thinking, but it was already too late, I deliberately lost myself in the moment. He brought himself closer than ever to me, the lust of his advances evident and my thoughts fluctuated between aversion and compliance as I let his hands roam greedily over my body. I even let him kiss me, but in my mind I was kissing you. His lips moved desiringly toward mine as his moist gentle lip collided with mine and I kissed back longingly. It was a French kiss, I thought to myself playfully and we locked lips for what seemed like an eternity. A passion burnt inside of me, not passion I consciously thought, lust, this was lust, and it certainly was very pleasurable yet so destructive. Again he guided me to the bar where he ordered more drinks. I knew what was going on, he was trying to make me drunk, but I always knew I drank better than most guys. Tonight I would let him try. The bartender looked at me disapprovingly as I consumed copious amounts of alcohol. Tonight I learnt how to drink a tequila shot in the most sensual of manner with a partner. With arms intercrossed, the beautiful stranger put the salted glass to my lips as the fiery liquid raced rapidly down my throat. In the brief moment I closed my eyes I find myself locked again in a kiss with him, a lemony taste lingering in my mouth. After that, the world was slowly collapsing, colors and music coalesce into a pandemonium of chaos. I could barely even walk, I remember him guiding me out of the club past the throngs of people, I hear him whisper to me how much he wanted me and that I would enjoy myself thoroughly tonight. Something in me woke up and screamed, I knew where this was going, but I had little control over my body, I struggled and tried to walk away from this beautiful stranger, this evil evil man. I stumbled as I struggled, much to the amusement of the passer bys who giggled in response as I hear him explain that his girlfriend was too drunk and that he would send me home. Lies. I am sorry now, let me go, save me, I never wanted this, I love you, and I know now I really do more than ever, I am silly. He led and I walked, not knowing where I was going, knowing that I needed you more than ever now, needed you to forgive me for all I had done and perhaps take me home. I could barely keep my eyes open as I searched hopefully, madly for a familiar face. For an instance I thought I saw you. I fell backwards but the stranger steadied me and would not let me go. It was not you, but it was someone else that looked very much like you, someone I have met before. I reached out towards him with tears in my eyes, I mouthed “help me” as the world gradually faded.