My sense of place and time oscillates between the past and the present. Images upon images of memories and dreams soar by like clouds drifting in a seagull's ocean flight. Lightweight, I am carefree, boundless as I soar through the hinterlands of my imagination, free momentarily from the weight of being. But as quickly as I find the sun, dead and heavy burdens drag my soul earth bound as find myself whole again, giddy, tired, stumbling as I am led from place to place. I remember the sounds, loud at first but gently easing into oblivion, my vision revealing only mistaken glimpses of your face and fate teases a dizzy harlot. What have I done. It didn't matter, as soon as the heaviness overcomes me, clear blue skies surround me again and renewed, I am free. Picture books, felted journals fall by and their pages play out as my life seems to flash by me, colours of iridescent green filled my head like foam of an open ocean, and scenes like illustrations of a pretty picture book overwhelm my senses. Fire filled the sky as screams and shouts from beyond dismissed the warmth of unrequited sunshine. I found myself whole again, feet weighted, being destroyed, weak and in your arms. I open my mouth to speak, perhaps words of gratitude but silence escaped from my still jaws. You steadied me in a cacophony of voice, shouting that hurt my ears as we stumbled across what seemed an eternity. But your voice, it isn't you. Who are you? I willed myself to stay a little longer, trying to make sense of this flow of reality, gentle arms granting me temporary strength, elderly lady upset presumably at me, and a dark open door beckoning as I am guided into the gulf. Where am I, are you the beautiful stranger? The darkness was comforting, unjudging, as I feel myself eased upon a soft pleasant smelling beds. An overstuffed pillow awaited my heavy head as I imagined kind fingers parting my disheveled hair from my face. I could have sworn it was you, but I wasn't sure. Gradually the darkness became sunshine again, blue skies and cotton clouds, a place where I truly do belong.

It took all my strength not to burst into a yell or scream at my mother. There she stood in the doorway, fists firmly planted on her hips, her wild frizzy hair held back by two long hot pink hair clips, the kind they use in salons. Her face was pale with anger and her mouth wouldn't stop cursing and swearing. According to her, I bring shame to the family and the neighbours will talk. According to me, she is shouting for the neighbours to hear and then talk.

"What in the world did you think you were doing? Who is that girl? Why is she drunk? How could you go out with someone like that? Did you drink? Did you make her drunk? You tell me, what are we going to do? How can we face people anymore? What will the neighbours think? MY son, the one I always say was well behaved despite not having a talent for school, bringing a drunk girl home! And not even home, you displayed her right at McDonald's, where everyone could see you with her! You-"

"Mum, I did not drink and I did not set her drunk ok? She is a neighbour..."

"A NEIGHBOUR!??!?! You bring a drunkard home and you say she lives RIGHT HERE?! Whose daughter is so ill-behaved!!! How did you even get to know this girl? Look at how she dresses, look at that makeup on her face!"

"I saw her once in the lift. Then tonight my friends and I were about town, and I saw her again and a man was trying to drag her to his car. So I took her back here but I don't know where she lives so I brought her to McDonald's."

"She was with a man! Oh my god, how can you make friends with such wanton girls, I do not understand. And you brought her to McDonalds where everyone can see you in her company. What will the neighbours think? That my son set an indecent girl drunk, because he is indecent too?"

"Mother! Would you have liked me to bring her up to our house, sleep on our sofa and then puke all over our floor?"

"No! You should've left her at the police station! You had the nerve to hang around her until she wakes up in the wee hours of the morning, you! Stupid fool..."

"She lives here. Which part of it do you not understand? She LIVES IN THE SAME BLOCK. If you worry about what the neighbours think when I am seen with her, how about what her parents -who ARE our neighbours- will think if I had just dumped her with the police?"

"That is not my problem, and that should not be your problem. They have failed to teach her how to behave! And now people will gossip and talk about how my child have mixed with bad company and I have failed as a mother! ARe you happy now!"

With that, my mother stormed back into her room, lamenting louder than she needed to about how she'd let my ancestors down and possibly her grandchildren too. I sighed. What a mess I'm in, and what a mess she's got me into. With neighbours like these, who needs enemies....

Time like this make me treasure the gift of lucidity above all other blessings. A constant flow of images, sounds and conversations. The world was dark but came to life in my mind's eye, memories flashing, images passing me by like wind on a cool summer evening. I blinked and struggled to open my eyes from time to time, catching glimpses of a reality I have been denied, that of an angel holding me, saving me from a mistake that I made tonight. I hear an unfamiliar voice, a disconnect, it wasnt you but how could anyone look so much like you? I could barely stand anymore, resting and shifting my weight from one support to another, struggling to push myself away from the beautiful stranger. The sense of panic gradually faded to resigned fatalism as I figured I was likely hallucinating and alcohol fueled dream of you taking me to the Sky, away from these mortal binds. He must not have me, I still belong to you.

Here I am, blogging with that mess of a girl sprawled on the McDonald's table next to me. What the heck she's gone to do, goodness knows. I don't want to even guess. She stank of cigarette smoke and her hands were black from the messed makeup on her face. God, she looked like she could use bleach on her face and still not clean it off!

All I did was to be at the wrong place at the right time. Some friends of mine decided to go to Zouk after dinner and I hitched a ride with them, needing some time outdoors. But right at the entrance, I felt repulsed by it. The throngs of people, looking the same, stinking of cigarette smoke, the girls with faces so painted I am certain they will die of skin cancer... I needed time out in the night to destress, not to socialize with this painted and lacquered crowd.

As I was heading off on my own, I saw that silly cat-petting neighbor of mine. She was dressed just like one of those skin cancer potentials, but she was crying and stumbling along. A man was pulling her down the street. Must be the boyfriend, I thought. Well, so much for a hot night out eh? It must have sucked to end the night in tears and have him drag you out...

As I was turning to leave, I saw her suddenly reach in my direction. She was crying and seemed to try to say something. The man pulled her away, not looking where she was going but seeming more intent on heading for his car. They hadn't gone very far when she tripped on her heels and fell on her face. There she laid, snivelling and bawling, while the man gave an exasperated sigh and turned to pick her up. She waved him away but he grabbed her by the shoulders and made her sit up.

Dear neighbour, you do look like hell, I thought. Just to make sure, though, I walked over to the man and introduced myself. He did not look too happy. I asked if he was sending her home, and he gruffly said yes. I asked if he knew where she lived, and he said yes again. Feeling relieved, and somewhat thick-skinned, I asked him if he could give me a ride, since we live in the same block.

At this point, she puked on him. I shall not go into the details of what came out of her, but I can assure you that no man likes shiny leather shoes to be mucked. He cussed and shove her to me, then took off without a word. Guess he wasn't her boyfriend after all, I muttered. Gripping the mess by her elbow, we walked to the roadside where she sat bawling, on shoe missing, while I flagged down a cab, and directed it to the 24hr McDonald's near our block.

Yes, that's the bloody story. Here I sit with my MsSpicy and fries, and she took my Coke and drank it before I could say "HEY!". Then down went her head and now she's asleep on the table. What a mess she's gotten into and became. And now I am responsible. Blah....

I hate you; hate you for so completely stealing my heart. Are all men like you? Relishing only in the chase, but for you, you are different but not completely different, you too are normal, mortal, earthly. At least it comforts me that you care enough to no longer lead me on. Or could it be that I never did mean a thing to you? Did I frighten you away with what I had to give? Did you fall in love with someone else? Someone more normal? I can be normal too, I can learn to speak the language of your friends, I can even give up my love of literature. Perhaps you do love me, knowing that all these make me who I am. You love me enough to not let me love you this much. Fiction. I sensed the other side of you, your deepest desire, you wanted what I could not give. Perhaps it is really my fault; perhaps it is I who never trusted you enough to grant you the Sky, mind, body and soul. Perhaps I am too proud, Sky is just a name, I am just a girl, a silly silly girl.

Today Ill be like the others, the myriad of common faces moving together in revelry, wasting their youth away in decadence and pleasure. I bought this dress, something that you would never have me wear, because you hated when other men look at me. But I am no longer yours. Perhaps I am spiteful, perhaps I thought too highly of myself. Whatever it is, this night is mine. Standing before my mirror, I saw myself in this tiny little black dress, deliberately eye-catching, its fitting accentuating my figure, lowly cut in places to reveal a little of what men always obsessed about. I even bought a make up kit from MAC. You always love me with little make up, you said I was a natural beauty, tonight I realize I could be much more, lipsticks, foundation, mascara, eyeliner and all. I was more than beautiful, I was sexy. I spritzed on the scent you bought me some months ago, Flower by Kenzo, tonight I looked every bit like that other popular girls that scorned me in school, perhaps even better. I tossed my salon curled hair behind my shoulder, letting it fall sensually upon my bare back, if only you saw me like this tonight, perhaps even you would be mine. But it was too late. I know now that I was not meant for you. You too were hypocritical; I too was merely just a conquest you could not bear to complete.

The taxi arrived below my block, several leering neighbors smiled at me for the first time, surprised perhaps today I was not my usual haphazard self, without the goofy glasses, without the crummy pajamas and college t-shirts. From the light and safety of home, I found myself at the entrance of Zouk, a heterotopia of pleasure and lust. The unpleasant rhythm of club music meant to raise adrenaline and heart rate, meant to simulate elevated states of consciousness emanate from this place I never dreamt of stepping into. I was alone, and it was all your fault.

I smiled and tried to forget you, playing the role of the slut as I smiled at every attractive guy as I slipped uncomfortably into the club, performing a facade of confidence and familiarity. The cold aircon chilled my skin as I find myself navigating through a sea of bodies, moving together as one, oblivious to an interloper who has invaded this unfamiliar realm. I eventually find myself seated at the bar, flashing daddy's credit car, ordering myself a jug of long island tea, a drink you said you liked when you clubbed here. It was not long before other men begin crowding where I was seated, starting cheesy conversations, attempting to work their clichéd pick up lines. I laughed inwardly, I am desirable. But when I was with you, I could never feel this way, I always thought I was never good enough. Time flew by and I found myself conversing with numerous individuals I would never otherwise associate with under normal circumstances. The heady mix of alcohol begun to lift what remaining inhibitions that I had and the music begun to consume me. The chatter begun to fade into a hum as I find myself gently tearing, not fully noticing it as I find myself in an embrace with a beautiful stranger. He held me close, I must have looked really silly, sobbing gently into his expensive white cotton shirt. I let my fingers linger around the nape of his hair, closing my eyes, pretending that he was you. His strong arms bore my weight and he whispered into my ear asking if I was alright. I stood myself up and looked into his deep gentle brown eyes, conflicted, but needing ever so desperately the loving human touch of an other. Like a gentleman her offered me his hand as I let him lead me past a throng of inebriated individuals to the dance floor. The world spun as I let the music move my body. Desire grew and I displaced all I wanted in you onto him. We moved together as the heady House music guided our courtship, not the sort of courtship I would ever partake in. I could feel the heat of his body close to mine as I find myself moving in tune to him, letting the warmth of his fingertips linger over my shoulders. Was this what you wanted? I found myself thinking, but it was already too late, I deliberately lost myself in the moment. He brought himself closer than ever to me, the lust of his advances evident and my thoughts fluctuated between aversion and compliance as I let his hands roam greedily over my body. I even let him kiss me, but in my mind I was kissing you. His lips moved desiringly toward mine as his moist gentle lip collided with mine and I kissed back longingly. It was a French kiss, I thought to myself playfully and we locked lips for what seemed like an eternity. A passion burnt inside of me, not passion I consciously thought, lust, this was lust, and it certainly was very pleasurable yet so destructive. Again he guided me to the bar where he ordered more drinks. I knew what was going on, he was trying to make me drunk, but I always knew I drank better than most guys. Tonight I would let him try. The bartender looked at me disapprovingly as I consumed copious amounts of alcohol. Tonight I learnt how to drink a tequila shot in the most sensual of manner with a partner. With arms intercrossed, the beautiful stranger put the salted glass to my lips as the fiery liquid raced rapidly down my throat. In the brief moment I closed my eyes I find myself locked again in a kiss with him, a lemony taste lingering in my mouth. After that, the world was slowly collapsing, colors and music coalesce into a pandemonium of chaos. I could barely even walk, I remember him guiding me out of the club past the throngs of people, I hear him whisper to me how much he wanted me and that I would enjoy myself thoroughly tonight. Something in me woke up and screamed, I knew where this was going, but I had little control over my body, I struggled and tried to walk away from this beautiful stranger, this evil evil man. I stumbled as I struggled, much to the amusement of the passer bys who giggled in response as I hear him explain that his girlfriend was too drunk and that he would send me home. Lies. I am sorry now, let me go, save me, I never wanted this, I love you, and I know now I really do more than ever, I am silly. He led and I walked, not knowing where I was going, knowing that I needed you more than ever now, needed you to forgive me for all I had done and perhaps take me home. I could barely keep my eyes open as I searched hopefully, madly for a familiar face. For an instance I thought I saw you. I fell backwards but the stranger steadied me and would not let me go. It was not you, but it was someone else that looked very much like you, someone I have met before. I reached out towards him with tears in my eyes, I mouthed “help me” as the world gradually faded.

Sky
Avon
Dreaming Writing Believing


.link. link.




March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
October 2009
January 2010
February 2010