Sometimes I wonder why I still pen these things. Why I would somehow obsessively pen down these hourglass moments into my little felt zebra printed notebook. It is almost a treasure trove of my most personal recollection, thoughts and poetry. You had been like that once. I remember a season when words went silent and the world existed in the now and was vibrantly filled with laughter. Now all I have are mere words - lines and curves coughing into life as the paper pages gradually become smudged by tears and the coming rain. Somehow I wonder how legible I would be when i start huffing and puffing up that final stretch of stairs that would lead me to where I want to go.
The lift is quiet, for once no one is in here with me. No one to be there to spoil the moment. The doors open up to an empty lift landing, a state where my heart and soul are descending into. One more flight of stairs, no security guard. Just the slow whisper of gentle breeze easing memories into being. Just me, myself and this heavy bottle of wine. Jacob's Creek, Merlot, 2006. My dad would not miss it. But he might miss me.
Memories like the gushing ocean swept over me with each step I took as I recall how you would always lift me off my feet whether willingly or unwillingly as you took me to the roof. A confession - I always liked to be lifted skyward, especially by you, an opportunity to wrap my hands around your neck and whisper those three words into your ear. I gasp and that lost moment of memories came and went. Today it is just Sky and her silly drinks and her little broken heart.
I swallowed hard to fight back those tears. Tears shed for love lost, but useless tears. Not yet. The rain will come. I will sit here and wait for it. I have my wine as company. You hated it when I drank, but I am not yours anymore, I belong here. I am Sky, I am earthbound.
I fumbled with the bottle struggling to remove the glass swan wine saver. It was the only thing between me and my salvation. I pulled hard and it flew just out of my grasp into the cold hard concrete, shattering into a million pieces. The dancing of broken glass tingled like a chorus of rain -like chimes. I felt like that swan, broken.
I gulp the foul red fluid thirstily, hating the taste, yet craving that momentary freeing of my inhibitions. How I desired for my mortal body to disconnect from my ethereal soul. It is that moment which I crave where silly Sky would coalesce with all the mask she wears, a moment where I become I. I drink deeply, spilling the wine carelessly, not caring, not caring if I would ruin my favorite white dress, your favorite white dress, the one with the pretty subtle blue flowers. I hated that dress. No i loved it, because you loved it.
A certain drifting as the pen finds itself not connecting with paper. The moment is upon me. The lights are getting prettier by the minute, oh those colours. I needed to get closer, I want to take flight, back where I belong.
Soaring endlessly, something I wished for with all my heart. With arms outspread I stood at the brink where life and death embraced, and I a mere passerby. The city scape breathed in my soul as my heart, a pained broken one thumped in rhythm with your, hopefully. The gentle wind caressed my face as I closed my eyes, imagining it to be your fingers. I could almost feel you running your hands through my hair as though you as the wind would hold me close, and take me skywards into the stars.
But you left me. And the wind was just me, my thoughts, my silly imagination. You always called me your silly girl. Am I yours still? Your silly Sky?
I looked skywards, seeking solace in the darkness of night. Here on this rooftop by night, none are judged and the brightness of day stay a distance where one may wallow in self pity and denial. I need more than night, I needed the rain. It did not matter if you cried when it rained, your tears fall as rain too, washing away the grime of earth as one would purge the pain in droplets of salted tears. No one would know this way. I would keep smiling as I stood here alone, so silly alone. Would I be missed?